Forever Blue
by DopeyPixie
Summary: -The biggest human pain is to understand the impossibility of love.- Stig Dagerman - Currently on hold :/
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

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><p>''The biggest human pain is to understand the impossibility of love.''<br>Stig Dagerman

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><p>Andy closed the front door and leaned against it. She sighed and looked around. The room looked different without him in it.<p>

He had spent Christmas with her and their daughters. Jesse and Lizzy had both went to friends houses, and the house was now empty except from her.

When they were wrapping presents the day before she had gotten mad because some kid had charged her too much for a DVD. When he tried to calm her down she had found out he had been in therapy for a year and had gone to anger management workshops.

Nearly 2 years earlier he had hit her and she had told him to get help or there marriage would be over. He refused to go and she had kicked him out. After that he said that he was going to the anger management workshops, but that had turned out to be a lie.

''I don't need any of that mumbo jumbo, Andy,'' was what he had told her. That was after he had said that he was moving to California and had asked her to move with him.

Finding out that he had been lying was what hurted the most, every lie felt like another slap in the face. That was what she had told him and she had meant every word.

He had moved to California and she had stayed in Philadelphia with Jesse and Lizzy. The first few weeks after that, as her anger subsided, she had wondered if she had made a mistake by not forgiving him.

Then she started to date Milo and filed for divorce. She was happy again, and then he got killed in a car accident.  
>She knew Les didn't like Milo just because she was dating him. She knew Les didn't like her dating anybody except him. Yet, he had still been there for her when Milo died, which, looking back, had made her feel better.<p>

At the time she had hated it. She couldn't stand how calm and comforting everybody had been while she had trouble to not start screaming. She had wanted to yell at people, tell them to do something, anything... She would have done nearly everything to bring him back.

Now a few months had past since his death and she had been in therapy, which had made her realize that Milo wasn't coming back. And more importantly that it wasn't her fault he had died.

Being had doctor meant that she had to deal with people dying everyday, but it had been awhile since it had been somebody so close to her.  
>Talking to her therapist had made her see things clearer.<p>

After Milo's death she had felt very detached from everybody she knew, especially Les. But last night something had changed, hearing him talk about all the things he had done, the things she had wanted him to do while they were still married... It had changed the way she thought about him.

Now leaning against the front door, hearing his car drive off, it made her wonder again.  
>She needed to know if she had made a mistake by not forgiving him. She wanted to know if she should give him, and them together, a second chance.<p>

It took her a few seconds to realize what was different without him in the room, the room, and maybe even her life, was less bright without him in it.  
>Suddenly feeling tired she could barely make it to the couch and lay down before she fell asleep.<p>

She fell into a deep dream, memories of her and Les together coming back to the surface.

When they first met, their first date, first kiss, meeting his parents, him meeting her parents, their wedding, finding out they were going to have a baby and then Jesse being born. Moving from their apartment into a house. The way he helped her as she was making her way through medical school, surprised to find out they were going to have another baby. The memory of when Lizzy was born. The many moves, the holidays and birthdays spent together.

But it was not just the events coming back to her; it was just as much how she had felt about all of it. She could have a bad dream and wake up in the middle of the night. At those moments just the idea that he was next to her was comforting enough to be able to fall asleep again.  
>The way his hair was all messed up when he had just woken up. The way he told her he loved her, how he made her laugh when she was sad. The way he cheered her up when she was down.<p>

Memories of their last few months together came back, and she was reminded of their fights. At the time she had thought that they were fighting all the time because he had changed so much, looking back she knew that she had changed just as much, if not more.  
>Moving to Philadelphia, and everything that had led up to the move had changed them. It made them grow... in different directions.<p>

She hadn't known that at the time but she knew now. Knowing that made her feel sad, but at the same time she had a feeling that being apart had made them grow closer in a way.

She had been able to look back and see what had gone wrong. She could see things through his eyes now, making her realize what she had done wrong. She had been given the opportunity to carefully examine their whole relationship. Thinking about it, talking about it. She didn't have to worry about damaging their marriage because it was already over.

Now she didn't know if it was too late to repair some of the broken pieces, but she wanted to try. It was the least she could do after blaming him for everything that had gone wrong between them.

Just as Andy made the decision to ask Les for a second chance she got scared. What if things went wrong again? And it wasn't just about them; it was also about Jesse and Lizzy. They needed to know what was going on. She had kept telling them over and over again that she and Les were not getting back together, and by getting back together it would just confuse them. And if things went wrong again she would have to let them know that they had broken up again. But then they wouldn't believe she and Les weren't going to get back together because she had been wrong before.

She was already freaked out over all the things that could go wrong, again, and she didn't even know if he wanted to give her, and their relationship, a second chance.

Should she get back together with him and risk getting hurt that bad again?

That was the question stuck in her mind when she woke up. Her eyes slowly opened. She was still on the couch, surrounded by darkness. She stood up slowly and walked up the stairs. As she walked past the clock in the hall she saw it was nearly 11 p.m., she had been asleep for hours.

She checked on Jesse and Lizzy, both asleep. They probably didn't want to wake her up when they got home. Andy walked into her bedroom and sat down on the bed, looking around.

Realizing she wasn't tired she went back downstairs and sat down in the kitchen, turning on her computer. She opened up her mail, no new e-mails. She removed old e-mails that were still in her inbox and opened up a new mail.

She typed in his e-mail adress and stared at it for a few seconds. Andy sighed not even knowing why she had opened it. She wanted to be sure he wanted to give her a second chance before she did anything. But how would she know if she didn't ask him?

At that moment her mind started racing and she decided to just ask him. She started typing and everything just came out. What she thought had gone wrong between them the first time, that she would try harder if he gave her a second chance, all the things she loved about him, how happy she was that he had always been there for her.

When she finally got to the question the whole mail had been leading up, the mail was three pages long.

_Will you please give me another chance? _

_Love, Andy._

That was how it ended. She reread it and put her mouse on the send button. But she didn't click. She selected everything and after only half a second of hesitation she clicked on the delete button on her keyboard.

__Sometimes I wish I was a sailor_  
><em>way out on the stormy sea,<em>  
><em>far away from the city<em>  
><em>oh and all this misery,<em>  
><em>and I wish that I could tell you<em>  
><em>just how much you mean to me,<em>  
><em>no matter where I run to,<em>  
><em>I'll never lose your memory. <em>_

_Sometimes I close my eyes and drift away,_  
><em>I can't forget the things I didn't say,<em>  
><em>I chose a life that took me away from you,<em>  
><em>and I will be forever blue. <em>

She decided to let her heart take over. ''I love you.'', was all she typed before hitting the send button. She knew he loved working until deep in the night so he would read it soon.

_When you wake up in tomorrow_  
><em>and I'm no longer by your side,<em>  
><em>just don't think too much about me<em>  
><em>and of the many times you've cried,<em>  
><em>and wherever you may wander<em>  
><em>may good fortune be your guide,<em>  
><em>go find another lover,<em>  
><em>one who'll never leave your side.<em>

Just a few minutes later she got an e-mail back. Just four little words: ''I love you too.'' She read it over and over again.

_I chose a life that took me away from you,_  
><em>and I will be forever blue.<em>

She still wasn't entirely sure she had done the right thing, and she would probably never be, but she felt better about herself and her future. It didn't matter anymore if her future was alone or with him, he knew she loved him and she knew he loved her. And that was all that mattered.

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><p>I don't know yet if this is just going to be a one-shot. For now I'm just going to put it as in progress. If you think I should continue or have any ideas for future chapters for this story or an idea for a new story just review or send me a message.<p>

DISCLAIMER: I don't own this show just the idea for the story.


	2. The Beginning Of A New Life Chapter

**The Beginning Of A New Life Chapter**

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><p>"In order to be happy in love, one must know, without losing sight, how to close one's eyes." Marcel Achard<p>

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><p>''I had a really good time tonight,'' I say as I lean against the front door to my house.<br>''Me too,'' he says. I can see that, just like me, he doesn't know what to say or do. Tonight was probably the strangest date I've ever had, ever.

We went to dinner and a movie, just like when we were teenagers, except now I don't spend the whole time worrying about my father killing him once he finds out I'm dating him.

''Maybe we can do this again some time soon,'' he says, the hope evident in his voice.  
>''I'd like that,'' I say and a smile appears on his face, a twinkle in his eyes. ''How long are you going to be in town?''<br>''For a few more days and than I have to go back to California,'' he says, hands in his pockets, looking like a teenage boy who isn't sure how to tell a girl that he can't way to see her again. ''But ehm... in about two weeks I have another meeting in Chicago after which I can stop by, but you know... only if you want me to...''

I smile at the way he's talking, reminds me of when we were kids. ''Well, perhaps we could go out tomorrow night,'' I suggest, an even bigger smile appears on his face.  
>''I'd like that,'' he says.<br>For a few seconds neither one of us knows how to continue. Should I invite him in so he can see the girls before he goes back to his hotel, or should I say goodbye now. Should I give him a kiss, or just a hug, or both...

''I'm gonna go back to my hotel now,'' and he just answered my first question,'' I'll pick you up at 6 tomorrow.''  
>''Okay,'' I say and smile. He gives me a hug; it feels familiar but also strange since I haven't been this close to him in a while. We just stand there for a while, neither one of us really wanting to move. After a while, both too soon and too fast, he pulls back, smiles at me and than takes a few steps towards his car.<p>

''Les?'' I ask and he turns around.  
>''Yes?'' He asks, taking a step back towards me. I take a step towards him as well and he looks surprised when suddenly we're standing really close to each other, just a few inches between our faces, I wait a few seconds before I lean, my right hand resting on his chest, and I give him a kiss. Just a short one, ''I'll see you tomorrow,'' I say with a big smile.<p>

''I can't wait,'' he says with a smile and heads over to his car. I stand outside until I can't see his car anymore.

I get my key out of my purse and go into the house. When I'm inside I lean against the door and sigh.  
>This has been our first date, with each other, since we've gotten divorced nearly two years ago. After Christmas, nearly three months ago, and the email in which I wrote that I still love him, it took him a while to convince me to go out for dinner, just the two of us.<p>

Being with him the way we were tonight, going out to dinner, just two adults and no children, made me realize how much I've missed doing that since we got divorced. Obviously I went out with Milo, quite a lot actually, but he and Les are so different that I can't really compare them. With Les when we went out it was comfortable because it was familiar. We had been married for 20 years, we had children together, we knew what the other's interests were and what we really shouldn't talk about.

With Milo it wasn't as familiar, since we were only together for a year, but it was fun. We were still getting to know more and more about each other, it was new, but still comfortable. It was change, not something I'm a big fan of, but I liked it. He made me feel like a teenager again, going out on dates, not having to think about the children as much as you would if you were married and you had had the children together.

With Milo it was fun because I never knew what was going to happen, he was always full of surprises. With Les I always kind of knew what was going to happen, dinner and possibly a movie, and what we were going to talk about, things that had happened, not caring that we had gone through those things together.

Tonight was no different from that, I mean, it was a little different since we are no longer married, but we still talked about what things were like when we were. When I was silent for a few seconds he'd start talking about Jesse, or Lizzy, or birthdays, or anniversaries. Bringing up happy moments, not even daring to start about the thing we really should talk about; the thing that ended all the other things.

Every time tonight when I was really starting to have fun I'd get a flashback of that night. Even after all this time I still can't believe he hit me, then lied about going to counseling, and then having the nerve to ask me to still give everything up and come back to him anyway.

As hard as it is for me to believe that, it's even harder to believe that he has done all of that and still a part of me wants to be with him. A part of me wants that when I come home he's there, that when I'm sleeping he's next to me and that when I need somebody to talk to I just have to take a few steps and he is there, ready to listen. I know that if I want that I can have it back in just a second, all I have to do is call him and ask him to come back. But there is such a big downside that I don't know if I should take that risk, I now know what he is capable of when he gets really angry and I need to know that that is not going to happen again.

I take a deep breath; all this thinking is giving me a headache. I'll figure it all out later, now I just have to sleep.

* * *

><p>''And then I kissed him and he left,'' I say simply to Lu. We're in the hospital cafeteria and for some reason I decided she would be the best person to help me figure out what to do.<br>''And?'' She asks with raised eyebrows.  
>''And then nothing, that was all that happened,'' I say.<br>''That wasn't what I meant. I just want to know what's going to happen know, are you two getting back together, is he going to stay in California, what...?'' She asks.

''I don't know what is going to happen, I mean we're going out tonight but I just really need some advice on what to do,'' I say.  
>''What do you mean what to do? What you're going to do tonight, what you're going to wear?'' She asks with a smile that would suggest she's kidding but with her you can never be a hundred percent sure.<p>

I give her a frustrated look and she gives an ever bigger smile.  
>''Just joking,'' she says. ''I don't know what you're supposed to do, so... follow your heart,'' she says with a grin.<br>I groan and lay my head down on the table, ''that's going to take forever, I keep asking but my heart is refusing to answer.''

I can't see her but I hear her chuckle. ''Just make a list of good things that getting back together will bring, and make a list of bad things. Look which list is longer and your problem is solved.''  
>I look up, ''if it only where that simple,'' I sigh.<br>''It is,'' she says and takes a bite of something that looks disgusting, smells delicious and has a name so difficult I can't remember it.

I shake my head, ''No, it's not. I you were in my situation what would you do?'' I ask.  
>''Well, personally I don't think I would consider getting back together with man that has...'' she doesn't finish her sentence but I know what she was going to say.<br>''Hit you.'' I finish.

She gives a slight nod, ''but that's just me,'' she says trying not to sound to judgmental.  
>I already know how she feels about what he did and she has told me enough times; once a man hits a woman there is no saying he won't do it again. Still, right now it's making me feel dumb for even considering giving Les a second change.<p>

''Look Andy, if you really want this you know I support you, but you know how I feel about that he did. And even though he's been in therapy there is no guarantee it won't happen again,'' she says, turning serious suddenly.  
>''There is also no guarantee that it will happen,'' I argue back, knowing it doesn't matter what I say, I will never be able to fully convince Delgado this is a good idea.<p>

''Just go out with him tonight and maybe than you'll know what to do,'' she says as she finishes whatever it was she was eating. We get up and walk back to the RWHC.  
>''What if I'm not?'' I ask. ''What if I'm never sure?''<p>

''Delivery for Dr. Campbell,'' I hear somebody, probably a delivery guy, say behind me. I turn around and see a man who's holding the biggest and most beautiful bouquet of flowers I've ever seen stand next to Lana's desk. I walk over to him and sign the form.

He hands me the bouquet and as he walks away the little card falls, before I have a change Lana has already picked it up.  
>''Had a great time last night, can't wait to see you again,'' she reads out loud. ''Who's the guy?'' She asks me.<br>''It's nobody,'' I say, not really feeling the need to explain my personal business at work with patients around.  
>''Sounds like a pretty interesting guy,'' Peter says as he joins our conversation with a smile.<p>

''Well... it's certainly interesting,'' I mutter.

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><p>It has taken me a long time but I've finally had enough inspiration to write something that is, in my opinion, worth uploading. I'm also working on another chapter for Hurt, Happiness and Everything In Between but I really wanted to update this story first. Since in most of my stories I make Les the bad guy I think I'm going to keep him pretty nice in this one (even though I still prefer Milo).<p>

As always, please review (reviews help keep me motivated) and if you have any ideas for the stories I'm writing or if you have anything else to say just send me a message.


	3. Heart and Mind in Sync

**Heart and Mind in Sync**

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><p>''True love is when your heart and your minds are saying the same thing.'' Leanna L. Bartram<p>

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><p>''Shit,'' I say through gritted teeth while I'm rummaging through my wardrobe. I can't find the black dress I wanted to wear.<p>

I was supposed to be home early because Les is going to pick me up at six for dinner and who knows what else. I'm running behind on schedule, it's 5:40 right now. Thankfully, Jesse and Lizzy went over to friends houses after school and will be there until tomorrow afternoon.  
>'Another dress, I need to find another dress,' is all I can think.<p>

Since Milo died I haven't gone out so I can't find any of my dresses. So here I am, wrapped in a towel and my hair up in a messy bun searching desperately for a decent dress. I finally find a red dress.

I hold it up and look at it for a few seconds, 'It'll have to do.' I think and I change into it.

When I finally have it on I look in the full length mirror on my wall. It doesn't look that bad, and besides, Les had always said that I look good in red.

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><p>''Would you like a menu?'' The waiter, Domenico, asks us.<p>

We are at some Italian restaurant in downtown Philly standing next to our table. Before I can answer Les nods at him and he walks of.

''I'm going to freshen up in the ladies room,'' I say as Les sits down. He nods at me and I walk off. It isn't long before I see a sign that leads me to the ladies room.  
>As I walk in I sigh and check my make up in the big mirror above the sink. As I wash my hands a woman comes walking out of one of the stalls.<p>

''Hi,'' she says with a big smile as she starts washing her hands as well.  
>''Hi,'' I say and I glance over to her real quickly. I'm pretty sure I've never seen such a big smile.<p>

Before I can decide if I should start a conversation or just leave it at 'Hi', she starts talking.  
>''My boyfriend just asked me to marry him,'' she says and, even though it seemed impossible, her smile gets even bigger.<br>''Congratulations,'' I say and start to dry my hands.

''It's just so amazing, I thought he'd never ask,'' she says and she grabs a towel as well.  
>''Why is that?'' I ask, what else can I say? Obviously she expects some sort of a conversation.<br>''Well, we were together in high school and we had a baby. But then, we broke up and I didn't see him for a while and then we got back together and now we're getting married,'' she says with a laugh.

''Well… that's great,'' I tell her. I have no idea whatsoever what else to say, I think this is the most pointless conversation I've ever head. And that includes conversations while being drunk.

Before she can say anything else I walk away, I hurry back to our table.  
>''You're back fast,'' Les says.<br>''Some woman in there started talking to me. Her boyfriend had just asked her to marry him,'' I say. ''I think she was high,'' I suddenly say, judging by the way she looked around there was no question about it actually.

Les laughs at me, ''okay. The waiter came back and I ordered for the both of us. Lasagna and red wine for you,'' he says.

It's the same thing I always ordered until Milo once convinced me to order something else. I can't remember what it was, and besides thinking about Milo tonight isn't a good idea. I thought about him plenty, but tonight I am just going to focus on Les.

''What're you thinking about?'' Les asks.  
>''Nothing,'' I say quickly. He doesn't have to know I was thinking about Milo.<p>

''Are you okay?'' He asks with a frown.  
>''Yeah, great, why?'' I ask.<br>''You seem a bit tense,'' he says.  
>''No, no, I'm… fine. Just fine,'' I say. Suddenly I do feel tense and I can feel a drop of sweat running down my face. I don't know if it's because I was thinking about Milo, this usually doesn't happen.<p>

''It's just a little bit hot in here,'' I say and force a smile. Than it hits me: what that girl was saying. They were together, they had a baby, now they're back together and are getting married. Maybe that is what this is about. Inside I'm already freaking about the possibility of marrying Les again.  
>And that on our second date since our divorce. 'Wow, that sounds weird,' I think. Our second date <em>after<em> our divorce, who would've thought.

''Here's the wine,'' Domenico is back with the wine on a tray, snapping me out of my thoughts.

He puts the two glasses down on the table and I immediately take a gulp. I have barely swallowed it before I think, 'water hydrates, wine dehydrates,' perhaps wine wasn't such a good idea.  
>''Could I also have a glass of water, please?'' I ask the waiter.<p>

He just nods and walks off.

''Honey?'' Les asks. I look up when he says that. It sounds weird him calling me that, I'm not used to it anymore. ''Andy,'' he 'corrects' himself when he sees the look on my face, ''are you okay? You look… freaked out.''

''Nah, I'm okay,'' I say shifting in my seat. 'Do not think about marriage, do not think about marriage,' I keep repeating to myself in my head. I can feel that I'm calming down, finally, and feel a bit more comfortable now.

''Here is the water you ordered,'' the waiter is back again.  
>''Thank you,'' I say and he hands me the glass. I put it on the table as he walks away, again.<p>

I look back up at Les and smile at him, he just smiles back.  
>Over the years he has learned not to question it when I say I'm fine. On the one hand he should because I always say I'm fine, even when I'm not, which is almost never. On the other hand it is kind of pointless because I'll never admit it when I'm not okay.<br>As Les once said: ''You're always tough but you're not always okay.''

''Here is your lasagna,'' Once again, Domenico is back.

* * *

><p>''So what's next?'' I ask Les. We're walking outside. We have just left the restaurant and we're now walking on the sidewalk.<p>

''Guess,'' he says with a smile.  
>''A movie,'' if he wants me to guess that's what I'll do. He shakes his head which surprises me a bit. It's almost always a movie, always been that way. ''Bowling,'' another hobby of his.<p>

He shakes his head again. I don't know what else to guess, a movie and bowling are the two most obvious choices.

I'm walking over to the crosswalk since most of the places he's probably pick are down that way but instead he makes a right turn. I frown at him.

''Where are we going?'' I ask.  
>''Somewhere, it isn't far,'' he says and just as he finishes that sentence he stops walking.<p>

I look at where we are at. It's a small bar underneath an apartment building. It's called Sky-high. I give him a look.

''What? I've been here before, they serve good beer,'' he says.  
>''So we're going to drink all night?'' I mean, I like beer but just drinking all night? On a date? He couldn't be serious.<br>''They've got a dance floor,'' he says.

''I'm not a big fan of dancing,'' I say, not that it matters; he already knows that.  
>''You are after a couple of beers,'' he says and laughs at me.<p>

I follow him anyway, which he had probably already predicted, when a thought occurs. ''Wait, if there's dancing here than why did you go here?'' I ask.  
>''Well, <em>you don't have to<em> dance but they do have the best beer in all of Philly,'' he says.

I roll my eyes at that comment and follow him inside. Once we get inside I can only look around for a second. From outside it just looks like a little, cozy bar. As cozy as a bar can be, that is. But it turns out to be quite big, it wasn't a club or anything like that, it wasn't that big but there is a bar a few tables and indeed a dance floor.

I follow him to the bar and we both sit down on a barstool. He orders drinks for the both of us and we continue our conversation from the restaurant.

He's talking about a comedy act he saw a while ago at some comedy club in California as I absentmindedly drink my beer. We talk about Jesse and Lizzy, what things were like when we were still married, how the name of the bar sounds like everybody gets high in here, what his job in California is like, what my job is like. Pretty much anything we can think of while drinking beer after beer. And it turns out he's right, after a few beers I really do feel like dancing and after more than just a few beers he asks me to dance with him.

I follow him onto the dance floor and the moment that he pulls me close to him it just feels so comfortable, almost as if we're still married, as if that night that the last fragile parts of our marriage had crumbled down had never happened.

Being wrapped up in his arms like this… it makes me feel safe and loved. He pulls me even closer as a new song starts. I've never heard the song before but apparently Les knows it very well. As the artist starts to sing so does Les, he softly sings the lyrics in my ear.

_It might be your smile, cause it can change my day__  
>Pretty eyes that chase my blues away<br>It might be your touch  
>That keeps me coming back for more<br>Loving words that keep me going strong  
>That heart of hers I hang my future on<em>

_What it is, well, I can't say for sure_  
><em>It's just she's got this thing about her<em>  
><em>she's got this thing about her<em>

I can't even hear the song anymore, just Les singing in my ear. The rest has faded away.

_Like the magic in your favorite song  
><em>_You just can't put your finger on  
><em>_In her arms when we're all alone  
><em>_I get the feeling that I've come back home  
><em>_she's got this thing about her_

_ She stops time when she moves through a room  
>When she leaves she's always gone too soon<br>And I'm counting down the minutes till she's back  
>She's the love I've known eternally<br>It always feels brand new to me  
>I can't separate the fiction from the fact<em>

_It's just she's got this thing about her_  
><em>she's got this thing about her<em>

_Like a hymn in a cathedral hall_  
><em>Watching April snowflakes fall<em>  
><em>In her arms when we're all alone<em>  
><em>I get the feeling that I come back home<em>  
><em>she's got this thing about her<em>

I close my eyes and breath his scent in real deep.

_Like the magic in your favorite song  
><em>_You just can't put your finger on  
><em>_she's got this thing about her_

I hadn't even realized that song had stopped, another song has started, because Les is still singing the lyrics in my ear, repeating the last part. We're not even dancing anymore, just standing there, embraced, neither one of us wants to let go.

In my mind I already wanted him back, it seems as if my heart now wants that as well…


End file.
